


pack your bags for outer space (it's like a journey I just don't have a map for)

by puzzle_shipper



Series: Radio host!Izuna in Konoha, Nightvale style [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Welcome to Night Vale Setting, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Humor, M/M, Mirthober event tag, Puns & Word Play, at least that's what izuna calls them, brief ASMR sounds of someone being beaten with a microphone, but hey - he got free moon rocks now, if you look closely you can see how done Tobirama is with things, moon hyuga, warning: Izuna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21735982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puzzle_shipper/pseuds/puzzle_shipper
Summary: Imagine the scene, dear listeners:Behold.Madara, the sheriff of the secret police, presenting Tobirama (you know, the scientist?) with a handful of pebbles. Tobirama waits, barely patient, patience dripping off him like scattered birds, as Madara will inevitably get around to explaining what the fuck he’s doing this time. As he does any time.“Behold!” Madara shakes the pebbles and starts laughing triumphantly.Tobirama still waits, eyebrows raised, the last vestiges of his patience held tightly around him, errant feathers, bristling. The pebbles were a grey colour, nothing that extraordinary about them. They weren’t smooth, so not river rocks.
Relationships: Senju Itama/Uchiha Izuna, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara
Series: Radio host!Izuna in Konoha, Nightvale style [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1566643
Comments: 8
Kudos: 116





	pack your bags for outer space (it's like a journey I just don't have a map for)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PandaFlower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaFlower/gifts), [Sylencia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylencia/gifts).



> Here is it! The long awaited sequel to Mayor Hashirama's (attempted) Retirement! 
> 
> Here we get some important updates on the mayoral race, as well as another Children's Fun Fact Science Corner and the illegal hierarchy of the bijuu, while a new exciting discovery is happening on the moon!

**Imagine the scene, dear listeners:**

**Behold.**

Madara, the sheriff of the secret police, presenting Tobirama (you know, the scientist?) with a handful of pebbles. Tobirama waits, barely patient, patience dripping off him like scattered birds, as Madara will inevitably get around to explaining what the fuck he’s doing this time. As he does any time.

“Behold!” Madara shakes the pebbles and starts laughing triumphantly.

Tobirama still waits, eyebrows raised, the last vestiges of his patience held tightly around him, errant feathers, bristling. The pebbles were a grey colour, nothing that extraordinary about them. They weren’t smooth, so not river rocks.

“Oh hey, you got him moon rocks this time!” Izuna exclaimed, showing up from nowhere. He claimed it was sweet vengeance, being able to do that whenever he wanted. Tobirama considered it a great annoyance. Madara privately agreed.

“Uchiha, how did you manage to get ‘moon rocks’?” Tobirama asked, voice impassive and definitely not betraying how bewildered he was. Distantly he could hear the song ‘I would walk 500 miles’ being played. But that was probably Izuna’s fault.

“Through the portal-bridge.” Madara said, as if it was obvious, and grinned even more.

“The portal-bridge.” Tobirama parroted back, not as amused.

“The portal-bridge to the moon!” Izuna piped up, somehow making himself relevant to the discussion.

“People can just go there?” the offence Tobirama felt eclipsed the other feelings he had. This was completely outrageous. “Madara, you’re taking me to the moon.”

Madara was all too happy to oblige, still proudly holding his prized pebbles.

* * *

**The narration:**

**By yours truly, Izuna.**

Dear listeners! How are you on this moonfull day? Glitteringly happy I hope. There go my best friend and my brother to explore the moon. I say we should follow them. Well. I will follow them and you will come with us through my words (and selfies). Now, Mads is carrying a picnic basket too, so it’s a date.

This humble reporter is here for shit and giggles. As always, dear listeners.

I just had to dodge a moon rock but that will not stop me. I would like to inform the moon rock throwers that their aim su-ouch. They their aim needs improvement.

Ah the moon.

You know, dear citizens, I didn’t even believe in the existence of the moon up until a few weeks ago. You know, back when all time collided and everyone was fighting for their lives as the (alleged) rabbit goddess imprisoned within the moon came down to earth to destroy us all for some petty crime we were not even aware of. I am reminded that the petty crime was simply 'existing'.

As I reported back then, we survived this battle and won the war. And now the (alleged) rabbit goddess is... somewhere else. I’m not told where due to 'public safety.'

It's probably back in the moon.

On which I am currently walking and dodging more moon rocks.

Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?), really needs to improve his- _[burst of static]_

Anyways, moving on listeners.

* * *

It's time for another Children's Fun Fact Science Corner. It's important to be able to distinguish between the various types of bijuu, both for children and adults. So listen close.

Is the one you're seeing big and made of sand? That's Shukaku. Maybe leave some alcohol, from your emergency supplies of course, and then go in a different direction before those sand particles or the quick sand catches you. You'll probably be fine.

Do you see slime? Maybe a snail? Pretty coloured bubbles floating in the air? That's only Saiken. Maybe vacate the area without touching the bubbles. Yes, I know they are pretty. So is corrosion.

Are you near water and it's bubbling? Really bubbling? Is there strong mist around the place? Congratulations! You're meeting the five-tails - Kokuo. Best run while you can!

Are you talking to a fox? Then you are Naruto. Hi Naruto! It's only polite to wave at him.

The sheriff's secret police, the sheriff himself even, remind me that I must stop spreading illegal information about the forbidden hierarchy of the bijuu. He reminds us that you can't just meet a bijuu. Nobody's ever met a bijuu. Those were all imposters. And to especially not listen to that fox one. But maybe treat Naruto to a ramen. (He'll bother you until you do it anyway).

* * *

And now an update on the mayoral debates. The creepy eye-stealing old man who secretly lives in your basement has announced his intentions to join the mayoral race. This reporter received the information whilst he tried to steal my eyes, along with creepy maniacal laughter. Thankfully I am very agile and managed to preserve them. So far there is no official information on the rest of the campaign, but I am sure that we will receive some very soon.

Back to today's story, dear listeners, the exploration of the moon is going well. You can barely believe it hosted the 'alleged' moon goddess for so long. It's pretty much like a big rock.

Hey, I may be the first journalist to walk the moon. I am delighted to report to you live all my observations. To use the scientific terms. Doctors are scientists too, you know? My beloved, Itama, with his perfect hair and smile, always says that proper terminology is important. Otherwise you're just calling things things. While it could be a different thing. Like. Looking at this river bank in front of me, I could tell you that it’s empty. When in fact it is full.

Listeners. There is a river here. I'm not sure it is supposed to be here. Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?), made a strange strained expression with his face. He is now following up the river.

Well, I think we should go down the river. The deltas are always beautiful to see.

None-the-less I shall travel with them, before the sheriff decides he mustn't let me out of his sight again.

And I got only into a small fight, last time... _Sheesh_.

* * *

Tobirama (you know, the scientist?): Water. On the moon.

Madara, the sheriff: I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be here. Do you want me to... arrest it?

* * *

Apparently there’s water on the moon, listeners. And I didn’t know either. The sheriff offered to arrest it but that idea was quickly shot down. Not literally, just metaphorically. Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?), doesn’t carry a gun. He carries much, much more dangerous things.

Like that handful of moon pebbles he keeps chucking at me when I say things. That’s not nice. I am only reporting on the happening as they happen. Just like I've always reported on things.

Manifested ideas on the other hand get whacked with the sheriff’s gunbai. It’s extremely durable, can hit them and they leave village limits in seconds.

And now I report that the moon is shining. Wait no, that's just a huge ball of light headed our way- _[static noise]_.

* * *

And now, a word from our sponsors:

 _[Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]_ Bees? Bubbles? Bees? It's not always good to mistake bubbles for bees. It might even be dangerous. Is that even a bee. Have you ever seen one? Are you sure? _[laughs]_ that's not a bee. That's a-

Today's show was brought to you by Applebees. Apples. And bees. We. HAVE. Them.

* * *

Sorry about the interruption, dear listeners.

We have encountered weird looking moon people, who vaguely resemble Hyuga. Can do things Hyuga do too. Strange. We didn’t know there were people on the moon.

This one blocked my arm before the sheriff blocked him, possibly forever. It was a rather strong hit with the official gunbai of the sheriff.

I have now taken cover behind some newly upended rocks so that I may report to you. It is really unexpected to see people on the moon, as there weren't supposed to be any. Well, besides the 'alleged' moon goddess trapped beneath the surface.

Oh hey, Itama, my love, liked my last selfie. Ah, yes. I posted a selfie on my profile. You can see some of the moon people there.

'The light from that explosion really accentuates your eyes' Itama said.

That’s so sweet! He’s the best and I love him so much. I'll make sure to take more pictures as soon as my arm starts working again. Hopefully soon. I hope.

In the meantime, I will report to you how the, err, emergency press conference the sheriff and Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?), are giving to the moon people. While they're busy, I stole, err, borrowed some food from their picnic basket. Watching them fuck up shit is really not the same without a snack.

The press conference goes like this: projectiles are being traded furiously, and, fiery fast. That river is no longer flowing as it should. It is instead in the air, making complicated movements that answer to the complicated movements of the moon Hyuga.

Another comment!

'Wow that rock just barely brushed your hair'

 _[laughs]_ I know, right? I’m so great.

(Says the humble reporter)

Madara definitely has plenty of new rocks to give Tobirama now. I do hope there will be a moon after they're done. It adds dramatic atmosphere when I serenade my Itama at night. And while many of you have pointed out that I could just serenade him during my broadcasts, well…

Station management will have my ball-et certificate for this. And I do need those. I mean that. And Itama assures me that he likes my serenades. As long as they happen when he is not asleep. Otherwise he will deprive me of my... certificate.

Back to the fight. Wow. Woah. _[whistle]_ Sure a lot is happening here.

There’s a bunch of trees growing suddenly. And that makes no sense. Trees can’t grow here. Everyone knows that.

Also check out this really cute flower crown I just made for my Ita, on instagram.

Intern Ino also wants one. Alright! Getting to it!

Some of you are asking why i haven’t joined the fight again. But I have. _[sounds of a rock being set on fire and thrown at moon people]_ See? Making those rocks real flammable, listeners _[burst of static, cough]_.

Now, there are three- two of them that I see, and- I'm pretty sure there was a third, listeners- _[static]_ \- oh I see, you're here for an interview! What are you opinions on small feathered birds. And your connotations on the words 'mauve, moist, marvelous'?

 _[a different, snarly voice]_ “Why won't you stay still. And die.”

Well, these are surprising opinions but who am I to judge. Also it'd be pretty hard to run a broadcast if I’m dead, now would it?

It would make my job a lot easier, said the snarly voice flatly.

* * *

And now a story editorial, dear listener _-s._

Stories are made up of just words. Just words and intentions. Perhaps some chanting and blood magic. But only rarely. Mostly there are sacrifices - time, **effort** , _emotion_. S e l f.

Here is a story made up of sounds.

Harsh breathing. The dull thud of a metal object hitting sturdy flesh. Again. And again. The whistle of the wind as projectiles fly past. Muttering. Growling. Beads of sweat collecting and sliding down skin.

Curses. Curses. The sound of a microphone hitting repeatedly, hitting repeatedly somebody's head. Rocks crunching, disintegrating, vanishing. The distant river-no longer a river swirling, swirling fast.

A rumble. A deep, deep rumble. The hiss of steam, hot and electrifying. Crackle. Fire and lightning striking the river in unison.

The pop of a bubble. A dull thud.

Silence.

The sound of a heavy metal microphone hitting something sturdy and meaty.

* * *

Oh! I have a message, listeners. It's from Itama. It says 'hey, love, you should-' oh my yes I should! _[sound of a heavy metal microphone hitting something]_ Done!

Now that the previous is cleared up, we should get back to the regular walk. And whatever's left of the path we were walking along here. It appears to be drastically changed. I do not know which way we came from, listeners. I fear for us. All of us. After all, you will certainly miss my lovely voice, informing you all of everything that happens. I am sure of that.

Oh never mind, there goes the sheriff's emergency signal. We did come from that way, I am pretty sure he has his boy scouts' 'Excellent in directions' badge.

And now, listeners, to speed things a little bit, Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?), is going to propel me forward to that unguarded open window. Wish me luck!

A disgruntled voice "You’re so ridiculous. **_YEET_**."

_[LOUD SCREAM AND WHISTLING WIND. Thunderous crash. Moaning.]_

Great! _[wheeze]_ We should do that again sometime. The previous was an ad from our sponsors, and is no way coming out of my medical bills. I sure hope it’s not.

_[Distant yelling in the distance.]_

I am informed by a text that my medical bills for 'hospital stay' have been doubled. Surely this has nothing to do with my beloved husband Itama, who may or may not be annoyed that I got myself yeeted at a building. _[nervous laugh]_

Well, while I sort that out, oh and let the sheriff and Tobirama in, I give you... [the Weather.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCm6gRHINqA)

* * *

_[takes place during “Distant yelling in the distance.” and before/during beginning of the Weather]_

"Did you have to throw him?"

"We have to get there somehow and you were grumpy all over the place last time I yeeted you at anything."

"It’s yote, according to Kawarama. And of course I was! You can’t just throw me! It’s rude."

"You're rude. I get results."

 _[one of the moon people in the background]_ “Aren't yeeted and yote both grammatically correct in this instance...?”

“You're going to be both yeeted and yote if you don’t get out.”

 _[moon person]_ “Don’t you need a permit for that?”

“I’m on the moon I don’t need warrants.”

“Madara, you're literally the sheriff. You make warrants.”

“I don’t feel like writing. But I do feel like yeeting!”

The unfortunate moon Hyuga presently experiences the verb yeet in the past tense.

“Good aim.”

“Why thank you.”

“Izuna's taking too long. Your turn.”

“Wha- _[shriek]_ ”

“You said you felt like yeeting!”

* * *

We’re back, listeners. Back to you, back to Konoha, right through the portal bridge, which has now been warded to prevent any moon people from coming here and being rude. We, all of us, are back.

Some of us went through some open windows, others crashed and smashed open new ones, while some others threw them at said windows. Either way, our expedition to the moon was a resounding success. As the weather ran its course, so did our battle on the moon. This reporter managed to get full marks for his ‘help out the sheriff’s secret police’ card, and that means, that I get a free ride to the abandoned cave, out in the forest! (Side note: no longer Zetsu infested after the war.) I am so thrilled and can’t wait to tell my beloved Itama.

The weird moon Hyuga made a strong promise to no longer try to take over the world, as it turned out was their objective. But honestly? Far too many people try to take over the world. Have they never heard of taking vacations, or having a hobby? Maybe going to a nice relaxing walk with their loved one. That last one is actually my plan as soon as I leave you, dear listeners. Perhaps you too could think of something, some way to spend your time pleasantly?

Many of you liked my selfies and other assorted pictures, and I promise you that we can discuss them in a future broadcast. I am, still, contract bound not to reveal some of the questions you asked, like, “Is that Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?) throwing the sheriff at the moon people?”

Yes, that is Tobirama Senju (you know, the scientist?) beating dramatic weirdos with another dramatic weirdo, but I didn't say that and you didn't see that because we all signed NDAs in our shared dreamscape not to even think about all the embarrassing things the sheriff does and has done. Okay? Right. All of this and more, another time, dear listeners.

Goodnight, Konoha, goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you!
> 
> The voice of Izuna was Uchiha Izuna, Tobirama Sejnu (you know, the scientist) was Senju Tobirama, The sheriff of the secret police was Uchiha Madara. Weather: Savage garden – to the moon and back.
> 
> Proverb: Take a small step. Take a leap. Do not step on the banana peel. Aim for the moon instead.


End file.
